Still fighting

Its been almost a year on and im still addicted to porn and i haven't made any significant improvement, I've done a couple of weeks of abstinence and those weeks have been some of the best in my life. I was happy and confident, mentally things have become worse i am more negative regarding almost everything i guess pornography gives me that negative mindset because i have no other way to deal with issues and learn new stuff.

I've stopped gym and i need to start again because it has tremendous benefit for me...its made me rewire my brain to get chemical release through exercising instead of porn and as the days went by it was easier to stay away from porn but in the end a sharp drop in happiness made me seek porn for relief.

I need to start gym saturday inshaAllah and i also must go to the masjid atleast three times a day....i must read quran atleast once a day for 20 minutes or more, i must read arabic once a day for 10 minutes or more and i must focus on my studies everyday, and lastly socializing with the brothers and playing football.

That should be enough to keep me going for more than 30 days insha'Allah

Since the last porn free stint that ended abruptly i've been binging like crazy only because im using porn a source of making me happy and it helps me keep my mind off things, just thinking about how far ive gone with this addiction is daunting...ive become super addicted, chemicals induced by watching porn have become a very important part of my brain.

i gain nothing and lose everything

theres two main parts to quitting this addiction

the first dependency is a psychological one....boredom/anger/sadness/stress/low confidence.


its linked to my emotions and my lifestyle....what ive noticed is that if i change my lifestyle and make it more fulfilling i can overcome this part, i no longer watch porn every 2 days just be normal....i can go on for 2-3 weeks

the second part is the chemical dependency which is painful, its the hardwiring of the brain with the dopamine rush that makes things really complex, changing this is the toughest thing...urges could occupy my whole day completely but if i resist it will go away for a complete week before returning and the tricky thing is you might escape one week but the other you might not...its keeping up the good work and having the consistency....which is the key to success

I need to keep positive

anger + low confidence + boredom = porn

I need go to the masjid more often, read more quran and keep myself busy, ive done well for 16 days but the last few days ive hit a dead end

I have to stay focused, i cannot be careless and lazy...i need to be on my feet...if an urge hits i have to get up and busy myself.

I should not enlarge thoughts in my mind...if they surface i should stop and think about something else until it goes

i went 16 days without porn and here i am now just relapsed and feeling absolutely shit....i have gained nothing.....i wasted my time and thats it really.

16 days is good...its not likely that i will quit one time all together i have to make progress slowly and then i will be able to quit.

things ive noticed today, is that i went out and seeing all these half naked women contributed to my urge...i could have dealt with the urge better but i was hitting a wall and had not much to do...revision made matters worse as i couldnt be bothered.

i viewed and here i am....nothing gained and so much lost

Day 5 - relapse

Another relapse, i could have totally avoided this one but i dwelled in bad thoughts for some time until, i got the urge to watch porn but luckily in the end i became disinterested because i actually felt happy praying and being sober and porn was taking this happiness away from me.

I feel as though i can curb this, i just need to keep going.

Ive come to the conclusion that stress, low-confidence and loneliness makes the porn bond so strong...when i treat each of the things I've mentioned, porn loses its power so its just a matter of keeping up the good work, this porn addiction wont be cured after 5 days or 5 weeks. i need to keep going fighting urge after urge until i restore some balance.

Day 3

I generally feel better, I've stayed clean for 3 days now and my plan is to keep going, hopefully i will complete a week and that should spur me on even more.

Relapse

Things were going good i was studying and was planning to go to the masjid and pray but the urge to look at porn become very strong and there i was locked in my room for ages looking at the same old women and the same old vile.

I suppose constantly thinking about uni work contributed to me needing a relief, i need to monitor what triggers the urge, its the only way i can stop watching porn.

I dont watch porn because i enjoy it, i watch it because it is the only time that i feel excited and enthusiastic, if i could trade one kidney in return for sobriety i would take that chance as fast as the speed of light.

Porn makes me forget about the problems i have for a short period and after that its back to grim reality, i cannot live like this.